


Soaked in Orange

by JessicaPlease



Category: Supernatural
Genre: I could've done better, I wrote this after 15x4, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:33:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessicaPlease/pseuds/JessicaPlease
Summary: It wasn't okay. Don't say it's okay.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 12





	Soaked in Orange

All Dean wanted was a hotdog. The plan was to go the long way to the kitchen (to avoid even stepping in front of Cas’ room) quietly make said hotdog (because he doesn’t really know if the angel needs to sleep just yet and doesn’t want to make any startling noises) and then retreat back to his room and eat in peace.

How did that not happen? It was a foolproof plan.

Well… if you’re taking the long way to the kitchen, you have to go through the map room. How he didn’t spot the dark silhouette on the map table on his way in, he has no idea, all he knows is on his way back the silhouette talked and scared the shit out of him- caught in the crossfire, the hotdog, that was dropped in surprise and now helplessly rolling on the dirty floor.

“Mind turning off the light?” Said the silhouette, which by the voice is Cas creeping in the dark like the disaster of etiquette, Cas is.

“Dammit, Cas.” Dean might’ve mourned that hotdog right there if he didn’t fear of looking weak in front of his very much not ex-boyfriend (Fuck you, Eileen). Instead, he picks it up and glances around for somewhere to put it. He ends up marching back to the kitchen tossing the dirty dog (ha!) in the trash and flipping off the light on his way. He hears the backup lights charge up and suddenly the room is drowned in a still orange.

Cas is sitting on the map table, legs crossed, trenchcoat abandoned. Warning lights silently blinking and Cas’ eyes faintly shine blue and the warning lights stop blinking.

There’s a feeling of dread that sinks in Dean’s stomach and Dean knows right there that he should’ve left that damn light on and ran to his room- who needs hotdogs?

Then the guilt comes and he wants to throw up everything he’s ever eaten. This guy is with him till the end- but Dean- Dean just can’t anymore with Cas. Not with Cas.

Followed with that is the sadness, and heartbreak, and misery. Cas left. He left and it was Dean’s fault and- Cas, he lied to him. With a straight face Castiel had lied to him. Watched Dean’s soul die a little with every glance at that kid, Jack.

Jack had taken Cas. Jack killed him. Jack stole the attention. Jack stole Cas away just like he stole Mary. And that just makes Dean want to murder somebody.

Because old Cas- Old Cas would’ve fucking understood. He would’ve put his hand on his shoulder and nodded. Probably would’ve said “of course”. Cas would’ve been with him through this.

No, instead he lied to keep the kid. Then when Dean couldn’t kill him… Cas was still mad. But when Chuck killed the kid instead, Cas just moved on. If Dean did that Cas would’nt’ve moved on.

Maybe that’s what stung the most.

Cas was so close to never forgive him. And a little piece of Dean wanted Cas to never forgive him. Part of Dean wanted to push the angel away- Dean had lost it. He tried to kill a kid. And Dean deserves-

“Are you just going to stand there?” Cas’ gruff voice asks. “Thought you had somewhere to be.” And though his voice is tired and annoyed and filled with spite- Dean’s never missed it more.

But Dean doesn’t say ‘night Cas’ or ‘you shouldn’t be fuckin’ sittin’ in the dark’. Not he walks over to the map table and slides next to Cas quietly.  
Cas says nothing and neither does Dean.

“I heard your prayer,” Cas says quietly.

“Oh, yeah?” Dean wants him to shut up.

“You could’ve told me.” Cas mutters. “That wasn’t, uh, cool, what you did. I didn’t like it.”

“I know…”

After a pause. “Don’t do it again.”

And they sit in silence because Cas knows when to leave Dean with his thoughts.

Cas shouldn’t forgive him. Cas should be holding a sword to his throat and cursing him to hell. Cas should be shaking the sense into him. Cas should be pushing him up against the wall, “show me some respect”. Cas should be doing… something.

Cas should give up on him.

Give up  
I’m not worth it  
You’ll be happier without me, please.  
Please.

And Cas snorts.

“You should know by now, I’m never going to give up on you, Dean,” Cas says. “Even if I tried. Even when I tried.”

When Dean doesn’t answer Cas sighs.

“I hate talking like this,” Cas says quietly. “You’re usually the one who yells at me, yeah?”

And Dean’s brain begs his heart not to break down right there in front of his friend.

“I didn’t replace you. I can guarantee you that will never happen. But, I did love someone more than you. You can’t be my main focus, Dean. As for the 'me changing' because of him- I changed because I had to.

“Like you said, you almost killed a kid and that will never be the Dean I know.”

In a fight between his brain and his heart- heart won. Dean’s face may be hidden away from Cas’ eyes but tears are spilling from his eyes.

“I know you’re sorry. I know you didn’t mean it. But me saying I don’t agree with something should, and I hope you’re listening, it should never give you more motive to go for it.” Cas voice gets softer, “you have a very unhealthy habit of blaming your problems on your insecurities. I just so happen to be one of your insecurities.”

I am so sorry.

“I know.”

And Cas doesn’t touch him. He lets him cry streams from his eye sockets. Just like he let Dean hit, and claw at him over the years.

It wasn’t okay. Don’t say it’s okay.

So they sit there all night and most of the morning, Cas in silence, Dean crying, until Sam and Eileen get there with questions.

**Author's Note:**

> comments, please???


End file.
